I don't really get too personal on this blog. My life tends to be boring (work, sleep, eat) so I liked using this blog as an outlet from me. A way to get away from my normal routine. A way to be creative. I think what I need right now is just to write. So hopefully my words can express my feelings and I don't make to many grammar mistakes and it somewhat flows.
But when I got pregnant, I was so excited. I wanted it for so long (pretty much from the moment we walked out of the Temple on that hot August day). So when I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to share that excitement with all of you. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, I was so excited. Plus I know lots of old/new friends read this blog and it was an easier way to spread the news instead of calling/texting everyone.
There is obviously no easy way to say all of this. I have actually been thinking about it all day, knowing that somehow I was going to have to think of the right words to say.
Thursday was a weird feeling day. Something was different, I wasn't my normal tired, sick pregnant self that I was just starting to get use too. Just assuming that I was going into a new stage of this pregnancy, I pushed all those feelings aside. I continued with my day, watch "The Office", read my baby books, and went to bed.
Around 12am (Friday morning) I was suddenly awaken with a sharp cramp. I quickly jumped up to ran to the bathroom, which is where I noticed that I was bleeding. I quickly woke up Brandon, called my doctor, and we were off to the Emergency Room. 5 hours of bleeding, cramping, tests on my body and watching HGTV later, the doctor concluded that I was in the process of having a miscarriage.
This sucks.
When I found out that I was pregnant, it seemed like nothing was that important to me anymore. I didn't care about how cute my house was or wondering if I was still cool or not. All I cared about was that baby and my soon-to-be family. I wanted this so badly remember. We prayed and went to the Temple. We listened to the Prophets words on not waiting to long to start a family. So I don't understand what went wrong. Why is all this happening to me?
I don't know why this all happened. I am trying hard not to blame myself. But I immediately started to think of all the things I could have done differently. I know that I didn't have the healthiest body to have a baby grow in, but I thought it was all going to be fine. Overweight woman have babies all the time. Why did mine have to be taken away from me.
Anyways, it couldn't have came at a busier time (although when is there a good time to have a miscarriage), with baptisms, birthdays, Anniversaries, and a ward activity this weekend, I am trying to keep myself busy. My family has been really awesome and supportive. I know I have been trying to put on a brave face for them but they know me and know that I need comfort.
Brandon has been everything. This is hard for him too. As much as I teased him about always stressing about the financial aspect of a new baby, he wanted this baby as much as me. Now he sees me struggling with my body and knows when to just hold me and let me cry. He knows that as much as I don't want to, that I need to talk about it and to actually spend some time thinking about it.
I know you all love me and are sorry for my loss. We will be fine and get past all of this someday.
I know one day, I will be a mom.
Here are some articles that have been helping me and Brandon understand what is going on with us spiritually. I thought it would be good to put them here just in case you wanted to read them. The first two are from the Ensign and the third is from Segullah (an LDS Journal website) and written by CJane.
Coping with the Heartache of Miscarriage
Easing the Pain of Miscarriage
The Hourglass Theory
